


Words Never Said

by saveacowboy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Freeform, Letter, M/M, One shot?, Sadness, i guess?, i'm gonna be honest i cried pretty hard while writing this, really short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:50:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saveacowboy/pseuds/saveacowboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jean writes a letter to Marco</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words Never Said

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic I'm posting on here. Hope you like it?? Please please comment what you thought and also any suggestions/helpful criticism... Thanks!

Marco.

I honestly don’t even know how to start this. But I need to say some things to you. Because I never actually got the chance to. There were so many times I would stop and turn around, I would open my mouth and take a breath, and turn back again. So now I have to say it. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m so sorry it took so long to realize. I’m so sorry I never mustered the courage and just said it to you. To your face.

I was so stupid back then, thinking I could just train with everyone, make it into the top ten, and just live a comfortable life in the interior by joining the military police. But that was before. Before I saw firsthand how the titans can just snatch us out of the air and eat us, before I realized that no one can possibly live a safe and “comfortable” life even within the walls when there were man-eating giants still walking around, before I lost you.

I held your ashes today. But if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t even know if you were yours… there were just too many who died. Too many mangled, half-eaten bodies we found laying on the streets and too many others we found chewed up in a huge ball of Titan vomit. Did you know that, Marco? Titans can’t even digest us… they just eat us and vomit us back out. In training, I had always felt so alive using the 3DMG. It make me feel like I was actually flying, soaring through the sky with wings. But titans. They could just engulf us with their giant hands and pull us out of the air. How can we fly free when there were these giants who could just grab us and eat us?

You kept telling me that I would make a great leader. Why, Marco, why, I kept asking; I couldn’t understand how you could think that. But you never changed your mind. And I tried, I tried to be the leader you thought I could be; I gave the order for us to charge ahead while the titans ate our comrades, our friends. I used them as a distraction, as if their lives were merely something to be thrown to the side to clear our paths forward. But I didn’t want to give that order; I didn’t want to lead anymore. Why, Marco, why, do you think that I would make a great leader? Did… why did you think?

And when you finally gave me a reason, you said that it was because I was weak, because I know what it is like to not be strong. I almost laughed. I almost asked you if I was supposed to take that as a compliment or an insult. In this instance, I’m glad I held my tongue. Because you were right. I am weak. And if you think that that makes me able to lead others then I stay weak and become the leader you thought I could be. 

You were always the stronger one. You always said that your strategy was to be slower and lag behind so that if a titan showed up, everyone else could escape. I thought you were so foolish, so stupid. Why, Marco, why, I asked. Speed ahead, save yourself, I wanted to scream in your face. But I didn’t. And when I was trapped on the ground with broken equipment, you just flew right down and ran the opposite way. I watched you sprint away. That was the very last time I saw you alive. 

I should’ve told you before. Because now I will never get the chance to. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that you’d somehow read this and know. I’ve convinced myself that you’re still watching me. Sometimes I can still feel you standing next to me. But when I turn to look, there is nothing there. I want to stand up, pull myself together, and be the leader you wanted me to be. But, Marco, I can’t without you. With you, I was weak. Without you, I am nothing. 

Because I should’ve told you before and I will be sorry I didn’t with every single breath I take from now on. 

I love you, Marco.


End file.
